The fact that I'm still writing about this topic is something to be said.  I don't know if it's because I just don't like losing or if its because I actually liked the girl.  Either way this will be definitely be the last post on this matter.  Unless some crazy shit happens.  Then this is it.

A person once asked me, "How do you deal with all things you've done (to certain girls), and be okay with it?  It's almost like you're proud of it and it doesn't bother you." 

If I were the type of person who thought about all my past transgressions and felt bad about each one every day then I wouldn't ever have time to get anything done live my life.  I don't think that being okay with the bad things that have happened in the past is by any means being proud of what happened.  I think it's a sign of maturity to be able to move on.  I remember everything and have spent hours thinking about all the things that I've done.  But by the end of the day, it's always time to move on.  Life doesn't wait around for you to stop feeling bad about yourself.  

and now for the stream of consciousness rant....

you told me you wanted closure and shit but it was over for me a long time ago.
yeah seeing you around makes me pause and think for a second
but seeing who you are as a person brings me back to reality
you're simple and easy to figure out
responses are so far from the truth that listening to you would be playing the fool
one day you'll say this, the next day you'll say that
you'll justify it to the end
but if you have to justify then you're probably lying
 you told me "you remind me of him I can't stand being around you"
you said that other guy, it was the same with him too
but now here we are now with me as the blame
I always knew it would happen, I could from the start
you're really not that smart I got you figured out
when 'I made you' cry at the bar, I felt kind of bad
I can't stand people crying if it involves me in some way
in reality though, there was no reason to cry
also it was your own doing that brought you to tears
I'm just so pissed at myself for letting this all happen
for actually liking a chick that wasn't worth a damn minute
if you feel bad then you probably should,
I ain't do shit to your life that you didn't allow to happen first
I'm getting more and more mad the more I think about it all
It's like everyone got off free except for me who gets scapegoated
I'm not down with that shit a single bit
grow up and be responsible for your actions thats what being grown up is
doing the things that you have to do but don't always want to
 to be honest you're coming out looking like a liar and slut
take some responsibility for your actions and grow the fuck up
I wasn't the one in a relationship, you're the person who was
this was never about me, its always been about you.
I thought letting you blame me would allow everything to be okay
then I just felt slighted and taken advantage of when he got everything else in the end.
so I do I hope you're happy, as I always have.  
but I'm not taking the blame anymore.  
thats all your shit to have

and with that I'm done. we arent friends, we werent ever really friends.  but he gets to be...yeah bc that seems about right with the way you do things.  
I'm not even mad, I'm just annoyed and there's this one question.  What really is the difference between him and me? 
You tried talking to me a few times when we were last around each other.  I didn't say anything bc I thought it was pointless and a waste of time.  I'll never see you again and we'll never talk again. This is the beginning.

I love this time of year, because of this...

and this year in the lockout shortened season it just makes it so much more intriguing.  So many storylines.  So much awesome.

It always happens at the beginning of the end.  It's your last year of high school, last week of the semester, or your last day of a retreat when it happens.  ...everyone decides its time to start being friends. 

It's the feeling of something coming to an end that brings people together.  I can sit around the same people in class for a whole semester but not really start talking to them until the last 2 weeks.  In high school the first few years were pretty whatever.  By senior year it was just everyone hanging out with everyone.  We're all about to be gone, let's live it up.  Or the last day of a retreat.  Day one, you don't really know each other.  Day two, everyone starts getting more comfortable with each other and being friendly.  Day three when its time to go home, everyone is suddenly best friends and asking when they're going to see each other again.  The beginning of the end brings people together. 

This idea, that endings bring people together, I'm sure is shared by many.  I've had this conversation with numerous people before.  It's happening to me now and its somewhat bittersweet.  While I'm enjoying the experiences and the memories.  There is still so much I wish I could do.  I'm not looking to part ways with anyone without settling everything between us.  I've got so many questions for so many people.  I need to put my mind at ease and I have less than a month to do so. 

The chances of me talking to you again once you leave.  Not good.  The chances of me seeing you ever again.  Even less.
If that's okay with you, then lets forget we ever met.

Real talk, I'm probably gonna peace out of here once I graduate.  Job offer or no job offer. 

Here's the backstory....

My boy Bweb and I used to live together in an apartment along with our friend who happens to be homosexual.  Living with a gay guy gave me an opportunity to ask questions and learn about the gay community.  This gay roommate would always tell us stories about this gaybar he frequented in Midtown called Blakes.  Bweb and I always talked about how we should go just once to see what it was like, a bucket list kind of thing.  This was all about 3 years ago.  Last semester Bweb and I were having one of our stupid ass conversations and we got into talking about who would be more attractive to gay guys.  It become one of those ego things: 

"I could definitely get more gay guys than you."
"No way bro, gay guys love me."

Real stupid stuff right?  From this conversation a challenge emerged.  We're going to go Blake's and see who can get more numbers.
We talked about this challenge all the time.  Told our friends about it, always got a good laugh out of it.  It was always fun to talk about and the idea of it actually happening never bothered me.

Last night the Blake's Challenge happened, this is where my story begins....

I get a call Friday afternoon:

"Bro, lets do the challenge tomorrow night"
"....what are you serious?" 
"Yeah man the challenge is about to happen."
"....YOLO." 

Not gonna lie, I started getting nervous so I started hyping myself up.  I was ready to do the challenge...at least I thought I was. 
The day progressed and the eventually it was Saturday, the Blakes challenge was happening that night.  I was getting incredibly nervous.  I had this anxious feeling, I had no idea what was going to happen.  How would I react? Would I actually be able to do this?  Basically I was scared sh*tless, but there was no way in hell I was going to back out.  

In preparation for the night I showered and took 2 hours trying to decide what to wear.  The thing was, I didn't want to look super gay but at the same time I wanted to win the challenge.  It was a fine line I was treading.  I did my hair, gelled it up and all that.  Then I decided it didn't look gay enough washed it out and did it again -_-  

I get to Atlanta, meet up with Bweb and have dinner with some friends.  They know about the challenge and what's about to go down so we're talking about it:

"Aren't you guy's excited?"
"Umm yeah, I don't know if excited is the right word."
"Honestly, I'm getting really nervous...let's just do something else tonight."
"Too late for that, it's a YOLO night."

We decided to pregame at a local bar on campus.  Normally when we go out we listen to music to get the night started right.  Whatever's good at the time.  Niggas in Paris, Rack City...that sort of stuff.  For this night though:

"Yo what do we listen to get ready for this?"
"I dunno dude, Lady Gaga I guess."

LOL obviously we have no idea how to be gay.  We turned the radio on and Katy Perry's Firework song was playing, that's when we knew the challenge had to happen that night.

We get to the first bar to pregame and the nerves are going crazy at this point.  We need some drinks to be able to do this.  Talking about what's going to happen later we decide that this is getting way too out of hand.  So we adjust the challenge.  The challenge has two goals: Get a number, get a free drink.  At this point I decide theres no way in hell I'm giving out my real name:

"You can call me Josey, like José but I go by Josey."

I had rules for the night:

1. Not giving out my real name
2. Not dancing with anyone
3. Not giving out my number
4. Any kind of physical contact will not be tolerated (sans shaking hands)

Fast Forward to arriving at Blakes.  We park around the corner from the bar and we're starting to freak out.  Before we walk around the corner we stop...

"Dude wtf are we doing."
"I have no idea, but we're already here."
"All right man, good luck.  Let's just try to not get raped tonight." 

We start trying to gas each other up.  Jumping up and down, chest bump, all that stuff.  It was like we were about to play in a championship basketball game.  We took it serious.  
We try to go through the front of Blakes, they send us around the back (...real clever gaybar).  Around the back there's literally at least 40 people waiting in line to get in.  This place is going off tonight.  Waiting to get in and we hear conversations going on around us "blah blah blah oh girlfriend" "blah blah blah fabulous" I didn't think this stuff was for real.  That's really how they talk though.  Also, gay people come in all shapes and sizes.  We're talking drag queens to black gangster looking guys.  Young college guys to 50 year old dudes creeping for something young.  Super diverse crowd.

This is getting long, so lets just say.  We completed our challenge and left. As for who won?

No one wins when it comes down to doing something as stupid as this.   

I might finish this post later with actual stories about what happened.  Or you can just ask me.

I blogged last night.  Someone texted me this morning and told me about it.  I was going to delete it but it kind of made me laugh so I'm going to leave it.  

I recall writing it as I read it.  It was inspired by the attitude of "oh I don't text boys first." lol gtfo with that, friends can text friends...unless...(shit we ain't even fb friends)